I feel like I’m on this ridiculous roller coaster trying to get over you. I have optimistic days where I see myself having a happy future without you, where I see myself finding someone as good as you, better than you even. I get so hopeful on those days, thinking I can move on and find someone new and amazing.
But then I go down a hill and my stomach flips into my throat. All I can think about is you. I feel this crippling loss, a hole in my life that I’ll never fill again. Not without you coming back.
What I need is a distraction, some guy I can excitedly text with and maybe take on a date or two. I’m still not ready to get back into serious dating, but maybe I need that push, maybe I need to put myself out there and take that scary leap into moving on.
But I refuse to join an online dating site. At least not until I’m thirty and still single. It’s so inauthentic and I still feel like I’m attractive enough to meet someone organically. But is a bar the best place for that? When I go out, I end up talking to no one new. And I used to be so good at that.
Once upon a time, when I was new-ish to the City and recently single I had very few gay friends. So I would go to bars by myself a lot of the time, telling myself that I had ten or fifteen minutes to start up a conversation with a cute guy or I’d leave and try the next bar. (The good thing in New York is that gay bars come in clusters. There’s always new hunting ground just a block away.) Inevitably I always ended up talking to someone. Maybe it was being by myself that pushed me to approach guys…Or maybe I was more approachable given that I was always by myself. No friends to confuse people and make them think I was already taken. Or I just looked lost by myself and that made other guys want to save me. I’m not really sure. All I know is that I used to be able to do this “meeting guys at bars” thing and now I’m dreadful at it. Is it one of those things that atrophies when not used? Like a broken leg set immobile in a cast for months that takes weeks upon weeks of rehab to get back to normal? How much work am I going to have to put in to get good at meeting guys again?
Maybe I’m sabotaging myself. Maybe deep down I don’t want to get over you. So it’s all a mental thing and not to do with atrophy of any sort.
Because if I’m honest with myself, it’s not the unknown that terrifies me. It’s that I will move on from you; it’s that I’ll lose that connection we once had. If I haven’t lost it already.