Month: April 2014

Tuesday, August 20th, 2013

This morning “the someone up there” who I don’t really believe in must have known that I needed something special because my friend Sally emailed me out of nowhere.

You probably have no idea who Sally is. I don’t think I ever talked about her. She’s my adult friend. In her mid-40s. Loud. Unruly. Inappropriate. Hysterical. Basically how I’d imagine the perfect aunt. I met her at the bookstore where I used to work. She was one of our store reps. And she was/is/has always been fantastic!

Sally’s email was nothing special, a friendly hello-haven’t-seen-you-in-a-while-was-thinking-about-you-today-how-are-things.

For a second I thought about answering with the basic “fine.” Our break-up would be a lot to get into over email and Sally really didn’t know that much about you. But then I remembered that she was divorced, which made her the perfect person to talk to about you breaking up with me. (I know this sounds crazy if you take it as the wrong connotation. I know we only dated for a year and a half, and that that’s no where near the level of seriousness of a marriage. We didn’t have any children together. We didn’t even live under the same roof. I know that. I’m not delusional about what we had. But still, you have to admit the similarities are there.)

So I got to work and broke the news to Sally. It’s probably easier just to show you our back-and-forth.

Sally:

Ah. I am so sorry. If I was there I would give you a tremendous big hug. Who is this loser that really thought this was okay? He is dead to me.

Are you really okay? I like your attitude. Though, the best way to make them pay is to make them sorry…starting out with becoming wildly rich and famous…and dressing really well. (I am laughing in a really bitter and evil way as I write, so perhaps it is best I am not there for that hug.  I am even kind of creeping myself out. )

Me:

I think that I’m really okay. Or at least I will be. But then, it hasn’t quite sunk in completely yet. He didn’t even give me a reason, so I’ve been killing myself with supposed reasons all week, which by this point, you can imagine, has gotten pretty ridiculous. But as you said, the plan now is to get rich/famous and super fit so he can regret his decision for the rest of his days.

Sally:

So – let’s hear it? The guy just up and broke up with you…no precipitating event or events? If that is the case, that is killer! No wonder you are trying to process what happened. It’s like a book that skips with no explanation to the last chapter. Fill me in.

Me:

What you describe is exactly what happened…no event/events…no communication that he wasn’t happy and that we needed to work on things…nothing…completely out of thin air…the whole middle of the book missing as you so poignantly put it. In the break-up moment I felt blindsided and didn’t know what to say. And all he had were vagaries – “I’m not happy like I was in the beginning” and “I wish I had a reason, but I don’t know.” So I guess he’s just chocking it up to a feeling? Or didn’t want to hurt me more with specifics? I’m not really sure.

He referred to our eighteen-month relationship as “an adventure” which makes me wonder if he was even ready for something long-term. An adventure is a weekend away in the mountains or exploring Philadelphia together for the first time. Eighteen months…that’s a little more than an adventure. That’s a commitment. And maybe he wasn’t ready for that.

So not much explanation and we haven’t talked since. I do have to pick up some stuff from his apartment, and I’m hoping after a week or so, he’ll be ready to talk about what went wrong. I’m not exactly sure how much he’ll be willing to divulge. He was always quiet. But I’m hopeful.

In the meantime, I’ve been thinking nonstop on our relationship and my own part in it. What’s making it hard is the thought that I had something good and didn’t realize it, that I’m the one who messed things up. But then I also think about communication and why he never said anything to me. After so long, I think the first response should be to talk about things and try to make them work, not cut and run.

Sally:

1.)    Eighteen months is A RELATIONSHIP – so screw him. 

2.)    An adventure…is someone you meet at the airport – just saying!  

3.)    How dare he try to minimize the time spent together. 

He sucks. Every time I think of how he described you guys – as an adventure – it really pisses me off.

MOST important and what I want you to take way from my email is this – in trying to find an explanation, you really need the whole story. All the facts. You don’t have that. He took the pussy way out. So Buster, do not be quick to suck up blame. And, for now, maybe take yourself off the hook, until some time has passed.  You’ve been in an eighteen-month relationship – time to focus and be kind to YOU. Sounds like you have already come to that by yourself . And F- Mr. Adventure.  You are a great guy. End. Of. Story.

I’m sorry you had to see that. But you can see why Sally’s so fantastic. Or maybe you can’t, considering she didn’t have many nice things to say about you. I haven’t been angry at you yet, but that doesn’t mean my friends have followed suit.

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