By this point I had arrived at Scott and Amber’s. He came down to get me in the lobby because his buzzer wasn’t working. And right when I saw him I broke the news. He was just as shocked as me. He said that when I’d called out of the blue asking to come over he’d thought something terrible might have happened.
He was right. Something terrible had happened. The end of a year-and-a-half relationship. The loss of my best friend at the time. A bleak void stretched out before me. I had spent so many of my weekends and hours with you that I didn’t know how I’d fill all my time now.
Scott took me up to his apartment. Amber was there. I broke the news to her while Scott made me a drink. Bourbon and Coke, one of my favorites. And then we hashed it out.
I relived the whole evening with them, beginning with dinner and going all the way up to the break-up. They ooo-ed and ah-ed at all the right spots, feeling sorry for me, not understanding along with me.
I was never mad at you. I want to make that clear right now. Only confused. Disappointed. Sad. We weren’t a blow-up couple. I don’t think we fought once. I certainly never raised my voice at you and I don’t think you ever did to me.
A lot of people might think that odd. I don’t know if you’ve had different experiences in previous relationships, but for me, I’ve never had fights. I guess it’s because I’m a roll with the punches kind of guy. It’s easy for me to brush things off my shoulders.
When I get upset it’s usually about stupid things. I keep it inside and after a day or so stewing, I’m over it. For example, that time your work gave you a free dinner for staying way late for a whole week. You could take anyone you wanted to and go to any restaurant. Naturally, I thought you’d pick me. But you didn’t. You picked your roommate, Tyler. You said that he’d been having a really hard time lately and you wanted to treat him. How could I be mad at that? You were being an amazing friend.
And I wouldn’t have been mad if that’s what you ended up doing. But instead, you took Tyler and your other best friend, Erica, when she was in town visiting. You sat on this free dinner for weeks. (Maybe a month or two. I can’t remember exactly how long.) And then Erica came into town and you decided that you could take her and Tyler both. It was just a dollar cap they’d given you, not a head count. And so you three went to some awesome tapas place without me and I sat and stewed alone in my apartment all night.
I know, it sounds petty when I write it down like this. And that’s what I realized the morning after. That’s why I never said anything to you. I get over shit.
But this, I don’t think I can get over.
You broke up with me out of the blue. You broke my heart. Sure, I might not be able to feel it yet; I’m still numb. But when I wake up in the morning there’s going to be a crack there and it’s going to fucking hurt.